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Ambrose Bierce gave me the idea of illustrating a humorous dictionary with poems (doggerel, if you will). See Bierce Quotes. But first, here are a few from Gus Maples' Dictionary.
Side effects: (as in “When taking the Wonder Pill you may experience one or more of the following side effects: Drowsiness, dizziness, diarrhea, vomiting, nausea, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, double vision, aching joints, profuse sweating and vigorous hair growth in unaccustomed places.”) Unpleasant secondary results after taking a prescription drug remedy.
| THE WONDER PILL Got me a jar a Wonder Pills Saw 'em on Tee Vee. The doc he wrote the ticket, Said they'd make a man a me. Take one just before - you know - Is what the 'structions said. And wow! Just wow! My Sweetie screamed, A-jumpin' into bed. Now, I never did get past My third grade 'rithmetic. But I could plainly see, If one would do the trick - How 'bout two? Or three? Or four? I emptied out the jar. And bless my little Sweetie, I became her Super Star. Makin' tracks to Paradise. Ain't never had such sex. And we'd be at it here and now - 'Cept for those gul-derned side effects. |
Intelligence: Information gathered for the purpose of defending one's country from its enemies.
| INTELLIGENCE We aced our SATs in high school, were summa cum in college; There is no doubt that we possess capacity for knowledge. Now we work for Uncle Sam in the Beltway's hidden places. We have the highest clearances and no one knows our faces. We play the information game while riding walnut desks, Gathering facts on foreign spies and dastard terrorists. The data it comes pouring in; we sort, we shift, we shuffle, Reduce, contrast, compare, compose; we're always on the hustle. 'Fore reaching our conclusions on what all of it might mean, We probe for little inklings, which way the boss might lean. With corner offices, pay grades and our pensions at the risk, We dare not cast against his will, can't chance his getting pissed. Our calling, one might say, is conformity of service. For one of us to take a stand makes everybody nervous. We spend our time in conferences, spend hours comparing notes. (And take umbrage at intelligence, when it appears in quotes.) Our credentials prove we are the brightest of the bright. So if we tend to think alike, then all of us are right. Right? We're the ultimate in teamwork, me and my cohorts, Toiling day and night, drafting circumspect reports. |