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Gus Maples' Dictionary was inspired by Ambrose Gwinett Bierce (1842-ca. 1914) American Civil War veteran, journalist, critic, short story writer and author of The Devil's Dictionary, published in 1911. (His definitions were created over many years and were a popular feature in his newspaper columns. They were collected and published a number of times under various titles.) You may obtain an inexpensive copy of the unabridged T. D. D., which I highly recommend, from Dover Publications.com or your favorite bookstore. Amazon.com sells many versions, most of them abridged (meaning stripped of the poems and many of the rambling definitions and vignettes).
Gus Maples' Dictionary does not pretend to be an updated version of T.D.D. Only a handful of words are the same, and the definitions are quite different. From it I took the idea of a sarcastic and, I hope, humorous “dictionary,” illustrated with outlandish poems, songs and vignettes, and an appreciation of Ambrose Bierce's unique “voice,” which has never been surpassed.
Here are a few of my favorite Bierceian one-liners:
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.
Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
Friendship: A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Legacy: A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Neighbor: One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
Piano: A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
Witticism: A sharp and clever remark usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a “joke.”
Many of Bierce's definitions are illustrated by guest “poets” with comical names, the most prominent being Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., who assisted Bierce with his religious definitions (territory Gus Maples does not explore).
Sample poems:
Rank: Relative elevation is the scale of human worth.
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He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked why. “Because,” 'twas answered, “others lack His skill to scratch the royal back.” |
| Aramis Jukes |
Bierce's definition of alone is one of his most famous. In fact it is the subtitle of one of his biographies: Ambrose Bierce: Alone in Bad Company (1995), by Roy Morris, Jr.
Alone: In bad company.
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In contact, lo! The flint and steel, By spark and flame, the thought reveal That he the metal, she the stone, Had cherished secretly alone. |
| Booly Fito |
Grave: A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
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Beside a lonely grave I stood - With brambles 'twas encumbered; The winds were moaning in the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered. A rustic standing near, I said: “He cannot hear it blowing!” “'Course not,” said he: “the feller's dead - He can't hear nowt that's going.” “Too true,” I said; “alas, too true - No sound his sense can quicken!” “Well, mister, wot is that to you? - The deadster ain't a-kicken'.” I knelt and prayed: “O Father, smile On him, and mercy show him!” That countryman looked on the while And said,” Ye didn't know him.” |
| Pobeter Dunk |